Giving this a try

Not sure who'll be interested enough to read one of my blogs or if I want anyone to read it. I just see so many and wonder if I shouldnt be using it as an outlet.

This weekend, I thought I lost my son.

My son, my miracle, so many ways to rip out my heart. First, my sitter writes me to say that she's noticed my son running into walls and tripping over things. Immediately, I'm thinking the worst - that some nervous system disorder was robbing my son of his health at just 15 months. My husband told me that ever since reading the sitter's note, I've used the words "perfect son" more than once and mostly in the context of loving him even if he werent our "perfect son" anymore. We have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday and hopefully everything can be laid to rest as we havent seen him doing anything like that over the weekend.

The second heart-stopping moment was at the beach. My son would not let us take him in the water, well not by carrying him in, but I got him playing at the water's edge. He was so happy finding rocks and bringing them in his little hand to "wash" them in the water, running away from the tiny waves lapping at the edge. Then he saw his father, who was standing waist deep. Our son charged into the water and made it until it was about chest deep before I could get to him. Before I could get a grip on his suit though, a wave knocked his legs out from under him and he went under, face first. I pulled him from the water but in that slow motion of panic, I saw him ebb away first and his arms and legs dangling at his sides. He didnt panic, he just waited for Mama to get him. I pulled him up and out of the water, expecting to be greeted with sputtering and crying - his normal reaction to water in the face - but he just looked up at his dad and laughed. His father looked at me with a look that read, "How did you let that happen??" He neednt have accused me of anything, I was already torturing myself with what might have happened.

But now it's Monday night and we're back to our routine. Mama and baby had a bath together where we played like the water babies we are. Daddy threw the toys that "escaped" the tub back into the water while our son laughed true belly laughs. Then while daddy showered, I tried to nurse our son to sleep, but he was more interested in talking to "Nana" on the phone. Soon this night will be over as we slip into dream land.

I never knew it was like this - motherhood. I knew there was love. I knew there was unconditional love. But I never knew there was this madness, this frustration when we cant communicate, frustration when he doesnt do what I think he should be doing, this wondering how my mother survived it at all and... the love. This love that washes all that other crap away. One look at his smile or when he reaches up to me and says, "Mom-my"... and all I can do is thank God that I've been given this chance and pray I dont mess him up.