He was 12 when I was born and until I was about 7 or 8, I thought he hated me. We fought all the time and over every little topic. Sure, there are a few pictures of the two of us together that prove he at least tolerated me. He joined the Navy after high school and something miraculous happened in boot camp: he started to miss me. When he came back, suddenly I was invited everywhere he wanted to go, he loved me and we were best friends. We were so close that years later, when I met my first husband for the first time, he thought Barry and I were a couple because we finished each others sentences and were just that tight together.
That's why this hurts so much.
You see, I'm flawed in his eyes. Fatally flawed. Beyond redemption. Beyond repair. Beyond forgiveness. Because I, unlike he, have different political beliefs. He is a staunch conservative as was our mother and most of our family. Politics steeped in religion and faith, even though it's meant to be separate. But as I grew, I found I couldnt stay "on their side". I dont believe abortion should ever be used unless it's to save the life of the mother. But I also believe that I do not have the right to force that belief on anyone else. I am heterosexual but I do not believe I should prevent anyone who loves one another from having the same rights as I do.
The problem is, in his eyes, that I have these beliefs and share them. In doing so, I disrespect our parents. Basically, I was "raised better" than that. And because these beliefs differ from his, I'm no longer loveable in his eyes. Oh I'm sure he'd say he loves me and that he's praying for me to "return to Jesus" and repent. But until I do, my punishment is banishment, emotional abandonment. I'm dead to him.
I wonder if he knows how badly it hurts to see him comment on our family's photos on Facebook and yet he refuses to acknowledge my friendship requests or comments. At least he could do is block me so I didnt have to see his name everywhere and know I was being left out. How is it that my other family members, most of whom think differently than me, are able to tolerate me but my own brother cannot. It will be this way until I change my mind. Simply not speaking my mind will not work. I'd have to deny everything that is important to me to get him to talk to me again.
It's like I've died and I'm just a ghost in his life. I wonder if he even misses me at all. I miss him.
He was my big brother. I was the baby sister. He was supposed to love me.
When we were kids
We fought because you were older
And because I wanted to be
Separate rooms, separate toys
Separate seats in the car
Just to save the peace.
Didn’t understand why, what I’d done
To make you hate me
You were supposed to love me
Then you went off
Off to see the world for a while
And when you came home
You were a different man, in a different place
Actually seemed to want me around
I wasn’t a pest, I wasn’t a chore
It finally seemed to me
That you really loved me.
You were my hero, my big brother
My first knight in shining armor
You were the first one I turned to
In all my darkest hours
Despite years and miles between us
I never doubted you’d be there for me
Until now...
Tonight you dropped me a line
A few words to say goodbye
Said I'm too different, too separate
That you don’t know who I’ve become
And that you'll talk to Jesus about me.
But you were supposed to love me.
