Must be a trend...

Not the kind of trend one wants to see, but ...

You know, if I thought it would really help, I'd tell everyone what happened in my first marriage and what lessons I'd learned.

I learned, first and foremost, never to settle. I dont care if it's in a romance, in a job, in yourself. Life's just too short. I wrote in a journal once that I missed feeling passionate about the person I was with but "that's ok, I dont need passionate love". How sad is that? It wasnt enough to like my ex. He did some rotten things to me, things I'm not ready to write on the internet yet. But, I also wasnt in love with him. I just thought nothing else would come along and thought, why not.

"Why not?" lasted me though 5 years. By then I was fed up with settling and missing out on feeling passionate about anything and didnt know how to handle it. So I cheated on him... alot (well, by some standards). I didnt like myself much for that decision, still dont as a matter of fact. And yes, for all you out there who think, "It just happened" or my favorite, "well you cant control who you love..." It was a decision for me to step outside my vows and it was a decision to get on a plane and fly to Atlanta and it was a decision to let that other guy share my bed. I DECIDED and had plenty of moments to stop and say "No, not this way."

I learned that I should have been a better person and been truthful with myself and him and told him things werent working, that I didnt love him. I should have left him first, gotten my marriage settled first, THEN searched for love. Not the other way around. I owed us both that much. Then I could look back on my past without so much regret and shame. I could still hold my head high or at least a little higher than I do now.

Just within that last week or so, I've heard so many stories of this person leaving that person, telling them they just werent in love anymore or marriage wasnt what they expected, or that it was too hard. They went and found someone who made them feel better about themselves or gave them that energy you get from new relationships or whatever it was they felt was missing and they threw away the other person like they were a piece of used toilet paper stuck to their shoe.

They, like me, CHOSE to respond to desire instead of treating their partner with the respect that every human being deserves. Oh how I wish I could rattle their heads together, but the damage is already done. That's why I say I wish I could tell people what I'd learn. But adultery is a sin as old as time... wouldnt be one of the Ten if it werent so. That's the saddest part. I could expose my sins, my shame, and no one would learn a thing. They'd just rationalize why they have the right to go on with their lives they way they want.

It's just so sad.

When I say that I think someone was wrong for cheating on their partner, those who know me ask, "Well what about you and xxxx"? Yeah... I'm a cheater... You'd think that having lived that mistake and being strong enough to admit that how I handled things was a mistake would entitle me with the right to tell someone else they were wrong.

Nope.

What do you do when the person you know, isn’t the person you thought they were?

Now, first let me say that I’m not talking about my husband. We might have our issues, but I’ve never looked at him and wondered what the hell he was thinking. I’m just venting.

Okay, okay, yes, something triggered it but still, this is a blog, I don’t have to say exactly what caused the vent, do I? Can’t you, the reader, be satisfied in knowing that something was sufficiently bad enough that it drove me to write it all down?

So I ask again. What do you do when the person you know turns out to be someone completely different? How do you look at that person in the same light again? How do you not go look over past events and past conversations and pick them apart, looking for clues you might have missed while you were stumbling around blind?

Yes, it is a known fact that people change, people evolve. I would have to be stupid to not realize that, well stupid or naïve, but still. But there’s evolution and there’s … who the HELL are you? I would blame it on growing older but the situation that triggered this has been going on for years. I am shocked, I am floored, and I am flabbergasted and overwhelmed by it all. It’s too much to take in, too much to process. I’d give details but the story is not mine to tell, and the person to whom the story belongs is too pained to tell it again.